Writing my thoughts and ideas down is an unusual practice for me, especially those of which are personal to me. Personal thoughts and feelings are often far too complex to be articulated in such a way as to have anyone, myself included, be able to glean any meaning from them. However, having watched and read many videos and articles by Dr. Jordan Peterson I have been convinced, at least to some degree, that the articulation of the mess that is these personal thoughts and feelings can serve as a precursor to the properly articulated ideas that will eventually form. In other words, playing around in the unknown can reap rewards even if most of that playing leads to naught. That's the reason why I'm starting this blog or journal or whatever this is. I don't know how often I'll use it or if this post will be my last, but it will be here if I need it or decide to use it.
Anyways, recent months have me torn between order and chaos. I have always planned for the future. Not necessarily every small detail, but I have always had a notion of where I was going to be 5, 10, 20+ years down the line. The last decade, or more specifically I suppose the last 8 years have really messed with my personality. Many things have happened that have turned my plans on their head. For whatever reason I always thought that having a plan and working toward it would likely end with the achievements I intended. I was aware that not everything would always go according to plan, but I never really considered the possibility that so many big things would go completely the wrong way. For a while I sort of lost myself. If so many plans could fail then was planning for the future even a fruitful task to begin with? Instead I worked on myself in the present. The present is right here. It's mostly clear what the present looks like. So why bother mulling around in the future when it's so unpredictable and all efforts may be useless in the end? What seemed far more important at the time was dealing with who I was in each moment. That was something I neglected for a very long time. So I thought about what kinds of things were more useful moment-to-moment and I worked on those. I didn't have a specific goal in mind. The point was that whatever was going on in the moment at least I had some tools to help make the most of it. Right now I guess I'm stuck somewhere between those two states. Somewhere between order and chaos. It's a funny contradiction.
Anyways, recent months have me torn between order and chaos. I have always planned for the future. Not necessarily every small detail, but I have always had a notion of where I was going to be 5, 10, 20+ years down the line. The last decade, or more specifically I suppose the last 8 years have really messed with my personality. Many things have happened that have turned my plans on their head. For whatever reason I always thought that having a plan and working toward it would likely end with the achievements I intended. I was aware that not everything would always go according to plan, but I never really considered the possibility that so many big things would go completely the wrong way. For a while I sort of lost myself. If so many plans could fail then was planning for the future even a fruitful task to begin with? Instead I worked on myself in the present. The present is right here. It's mostly clear what the present looks like. So why bother mulling around in the future when it's so unpredictable and all efforts may be useless in the end? What seemed far more important at the time was dealing with who I was in each moment. That was something I neglected for a very long time. So I thought about what kinds of things were more useful moment-to-moment and I worked on those. I didn't have a specific goal in mind. The point was that whatever was going on in the moment at least I had some tools to help make the most of it. Right now I guess I'm stuck somewhere between those two states. Somewhere between order and chaos. It's a funny contradiction.
The order/chaos dichotomy is almost metaphorical for other very important aspects of my life. After the things that have happened the last 8 years I have a hard time choosing between the two. Suppose you see a couple paths that you're likely to go in life. One path is highly pragmatic and seemingly predictable. It seems like a content life. It seems like a rational and reasonable choice. The other path is almost the opposite in its predictability. It's probably not all that pragmatic and seems as though it may be littered with complications. Yet, you see yourself very happy on that path. You think that the less predictable path will probably cause you more pain as well, but you see the high points as being very high. What path do you choose? If you asked me 10-15 years ago I would have said the predictable and content path. I mean, since it's more predictable you'll be able to mould it to better suit your needs, right? The issue is that now that I see that the future can't always be predicted the way I thought and EITHER path may fail horribly, I do see some merit in making the less predictable choice if it seems likely to lead to more happiness (even with a trade-off of more complications). I don't know what is better. I don't know what balance of order and chaos is best for me. Perhaps the correct balance hasn't yet presented itself to me.
It seems like the more I flirt with chaos the more I want to part with order. Chaos is the reason I'm writing.
It seems like the more I flirt with chaos the more I want to part with order. Chaos is the reason I'm writing.